Losing
by o-Just-an-Illusion-o
Summary: Kanda wonders what he could've done wrong, why -he's- like this. One-sided Yullen. Hurt/comfort, without comfort. Rated for language.


**Whut whut,**** D Gray Man drabble comin' right up~ ^^ My first time writing this, so bear with me /**

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I stare into your eyes, wondering briefly if I did something wrong. No, scratch that, I _know_ I did something wrong. You're not supposed to look like this; cold, distant, emotionless. You're happy, friendly, animated. You're not _this._ What did I do to ever make you look at me like this? I was good to you, wasn't I? I showed you a side of myself that I thought I erased, I opened up to you, I was your brother-in-arms. Sure, we weren't the greatest of friends, but we fought side by side, didn't we? I had your back, and you had mine. We argued over stupid things, I'd call you names and you'd yell at me for being antisocial. That's how it's supposed to be.

You stare at me blankly, and I want to cry with how much it hurts too see you like this. I'm sorry, for everything I ever did to you. I was a bastard, a jerk, I hurt you so many times... Yet you always came back for me. You called me your _nakama. _Well, along with the baka Usagi and that vampire, but still. You brought me back when I was gone. It would've been so easy to just forget about me, but you didn't. You remembered. I know for a fact that Lenalee, Lavi, Krory, Komui; none of them would give two shits if I died tomorrow. Maybe Lenalee would cry for a few hours, but then her and the Usagi would retreat to their comfort zone, and piece together their mixed-up thoughts. But, knowing you, you'd sit beside my fucking tombstone for days on end, not eating when it's mealtime and not coming when you're called. Then, you'd probably run off for a while, take out your anger on any Akuma you'd find, vent to the world. And lastly, you'd go back to the Order like the whipped dog you are, and you'd carry on with your life, dropping pieces of your broken heart along the way for the others to pick up and glue back together for you. Hmph, and you thought I didn't know you.

So, what happened to that kid who bitched me out the first day I met him? Gentleman my ass, you were such a smart-mouthed little shit. But you got to me, somehow. Even the Usagi couldn't get to me, and we've been together at the Order for longer than you'd think. No, only you could pick me apart like a jigsaw puzzle and put me back together in whichever way you fancied. You had this _way_ with people, you could talk a man into killing himself if you wanted. I know you wouldn't do that, but still. The potential is there. But back to what I was saying, why did you change? What made you change? Heh, I already know the answer to that. I did. This is my fault. Did I finally push you over the edge with my bastard attitude and stubbornness? Yeah, that's probably it. What else could it be?

I'm screaming your name, now. I don't think you can hear me, you probably can't. You look so far away, even if you're only a few feet from me. Did I push you, or did you push me? Does that really matter, right now? I don't know. It might never matter again, and I really hope that doesn't end up happening. Because I really want to apologize, even if you think this is your fault. it's not, it never was. It's that stupid Millennium Earl and his dumb ideals that got all of us caught up in this shit, so don't blame yourself. I know you do; even so closed and cold as you are now, you're probably beating yourself up inside. I don't want you to do that, so please don't. Your name, again. Not the name you always want me to call you, the nickname I gave you without permission. Because, even with you slipping out of my reach, I still have the balls to be a jerk to you. I might never see you again, and here I am being a bastard. Some things will never change. Why couldn't you be one of those things?

Maybe it's the cuts and gashes across your body, the ones I put there. Maybe it's the chaos and destruction around you (again, my fault). Maybe it's the hell-spawn that you're protecting, behind you. Or maybe it's the fact that Mugen is going in one side of your body and coming out the other? I think it's the latter. Because, with your usually silver eyes glowing unearthly gold and your skin turning ashen like a corpse's, you might as well be dead. You'd never do this on your own, you wouldn't give in like this, so it must be my fault. It _is_ my fault, and the only thing I can think of right now,

not how to save you, not how to bring you back, not how to stop all this from happening

but why, why didn't I ever tell you how I feel? All this time, and I've never said a word.

It's probably too late now, but

I love you.

Goodbye, Allen Walker._  
_

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**... Well, wasn't that just peachy...?  
**

**I'm out, guys, going to go and angst in my little corner, now...  
**

**o-Blade-o  
**


End file.
